The bar was entirely too noisy for comfort. Football and Basketball games competed on the TV’s, and beer flowed in copious amounts. Health regulations decreed public buildings to be non-smoking. The human and The Elf had a lot to answer for. The Mark was, as usual, being annoyingly loud and being an obnoxious oaf. If I am being honest, that’s more than enough of a reason for me to rip his heart out and use it as a juice box… and in the spirit of being more honest, I really don’t need a reason for that sort of behavior. I had one of the girls with me, kind of as a reward, so I was supposed to be acting like a role model. Bugger that. I sipped at a coke and waited patiently for a few minutes. Patience is an important skill when hunting, and that was exactly what I was doing. The Mark attempted to hit on me. He was lacking some prerequisites… all of them, actually. Dead Elf was sitting in the corner trying to glower at everybody. This was good, she needed to get out and socialize more. The Terrible Twosome were here too, He was being obnoxious and She was being a twit. There is a reason that I call them that. There were actually a few people here who were aware of what exactly I do for work, plenty of stories, but little comformation. I almost giggled when The Mark attempted to insult me. I never go anywhere without my shadow, her name is Irina, and she’s about as unpleasant as I. Irina popped up through the floor like a stripper through a cake and gave The Mark hugs. Watching the strength melt from him and listening to his shrieking cut off as he toppled to the rather dirty floor was almost enough to make the past hour worthwhile. Almost. I don’t do things like this without some reason, despite what anyone else says, so while The Mark was crumpling to the floor I was watching The Bunny jump up and run out the back of the bar. Prey distinguishes itself through movement, and I had pegged the Mivonese the week before. Normally I’d play those stupid spy games that everybody loves, but we are going on a road trip tomorrow, so I have to clean up this particular mess a bit more exuberantly than I wanted to. My heart breaks for the little lambs. Not really. The Terrible Twosome were getting all up in arms. Humans are irritating. Technically I don’t belong to their chain of command, realistically my pay grade is higher than anybodies but the Prince when it comes to my job. So when I tell them to gather up Jerky and follow me, there is a lot of complaining but they do it anyway. Because I said so. Dead Elf was looking curious, and I can use her abilities for this next part, so I grabbed her by the ear on my way out the door. Wally knows better than to bother me when I’m working. I know where The Bunny is going, so it isn’t much of a chase. The house is out of the way, down a side street. More of a hut really, I reach into my pocket and turn on the little signal jammmer and rip the phone line out. One of my lesser used tricks is to create a simple illusion. The hint of a SQUAT team hiding around back isn’t a stretch. Dynamic entry is kind of different when Irina can just stick her head through the wall to see what was going on, add in a flashbang or two and most bloodbags just call it a day. Now comes the work part. Dammit.
It’s tough to take Yelenya seriously. Besides being this vampire-thing she looks like a damn hippy. Gotta be ok to smite her. It’ll be fine. She’s clearly evil. She wears heels, dammit, and I’ve never even seen her in yoga pants. And she’s a stuck up bitch. Although i get the feeling that it’d be a one shot deal, even if Kimmi helped me. Maybe a mass healing spell? I can’t do that yet, and the Abomination and the Shade would be on top of me in no time flat. Should have done something at the bar. Wally would have backed me up. I’ve gotta be more important than her, I actually help people. Prince Sayd gave me a magic sword and everything. I should probably take this guy to get healed up, he’s pretty light, and I bet I can carry him all the way there myself. I’ll be a hero. What about the girl that Yelenya has hanging from the ceiling though? I should see if I can save her too. It’s super creepy that the shadow from the chair shows it’s empty, I can see her sitting in it.
Killing things is easy, but that isn’t my preferred method. With a few, rare, exceptions dead people suffer from a serious lack of helpfullness. They lack motivation. Live people can, if the stars align correctly, occasionally be useful. Which is a roundabout way of saying that I want something from the munchie currently dangling from the ceiling. The trick is to come to an agreement to get what you want. It’s all about the phrasing.
“Oh, good. You’re awake. I have good news and bad news. The good news is that if you do what I ask then I’ll release you unharmed and you can leave. The bad news is that if you don’t, or if you lie to me I will drain every drop of blood out of your body. The pale lady standing behind you can tell when you lie, and because I’m a cautious sort, the young man with the baffled and infuriated expression on his face can tell if she’s lying. The point that you should be aware of is that in the event of a lie you die horribly. I’m serious, it takes hours to do a good job. I’m currently debating where I want to bite you. The artery in your arm is a pretty good choice, easy to tourniquet in between feedings. Or maybe I’ll cut your pants open and feed off the big artery in your thigh. It’s a little trickier there, if I get sloppy you’ll just bleed out before I can stop the blood flow. Maybe I’ll do that, I can make the kid heal you in between. Be easier that way. What did you say? I can’t hear you through the gag. Thigh it is. You know, this will probably be the closest thing to sex I’ve had since I got here. It’s been what, seven, eight years? Haven’t gotten any in that entire time, unless you count being raped by a satyr. Probably why I’m so grouchy. So, with that being said, shall we begin?”
“The Mivonese spies we found last week are on their way home, psychologically scarred, but healthy enough. Jhod restored the more annoying one. I told them if they wanted to move here for real then they could, but they had to mean it. I managed to but my metaphorical boot to Kimi and Jurin’s bottoms. Ilmadia is learning to play well with others. The changeling kids are behaving themselves for the moment. I’m going home, changing my Shadow into a cat and watching it run around the house.
Well, you wanted a report. It’s not my fault you were going to the bathroom when I came in to give it.
Sheesh, there is no satisfying some people."
the next day (heading to the Still Tower.)
The communication headset is a very useful piece of technology: it allows you to hear normal sounds, amplifies quiet things, and mutes really loud things. Most importantly it allows you to drown out the two Dwarves singing marching songs at the top of their lungs buy playing Five Finger Death Punch, Within Temptation, Stabbing Westward, BabyMetal, Andrew W.K., Bloodywood, Lacuna Coil, and Frank bloody Sinatra at full volume. Thank the goddess. Seriously, it’s bad enough they keep trying to leave me for dead, but we’re doing sneaky shit at the moment. Singing at the top of your lungs is counterproductive… and Dwarven marching songs do not enthuse me. The Mivonese donated the use of a boatload of skeletons for what I am sure is totally altruistic reasons. The same reasons that they’ve been attempting to slip spies into Glamorfell. It’s a little trickier considering that I read everybody in the capitals’ mail, read their messages, listen to their calls, and occasionally break into their houses and rearrange the furnature. A girl has to entertain herself somehow. We managed to scrape together a Halfling army… sort of. An open field battle and they’re going to get wrecked. The Kobold detachment is a bunch of sneaky bastards, and I rather enjoy them. Got to convince them to stop sending all their pay home though. The only things they own are a can do attitude and a pickaxe. It’s kind of depressing. Time passes. We’re cutting across the “armies” trail and going to visit The Old Beldame. I like her, but then again I tend to be pretty respectful of peoples’ yards. It’s safer that way. Sayd and Kaede are pretty sure they can convince her to move to the city for a little bit, which pleases me. We’re also going to visit Sayd’s… neirid? buddy and see if she wants to do some snooping on the trolls and bugbears. I can understand the practicality, but I do have some reservations about fey assistance. It probably has something to do with the difficulty of getting them to stay on target. They tend to flake out without adult supervision… gee, that sounds familiar. I have some issues with drawing out killing things, I don’t like to play with my food, so drowning the bugbear was a bit off for me. Still, the info is useful. Nana Applebaum is, apparently, in the tower. So are a bunchaton of trolls. The good news is that the bugbears are apparently kept outside. The bad news is that I seriously doubt our sneaky way in is still a secret. The good news is that Garrum may be able to make it easier to get into the base of the tower through the water. The bad news is that after that we have no actual idea about what we’re getting into. I should have brought a wetsuit. Oh, well.
We got in the same way we did last time. There were critters this time, which was new, and my companions didn’t want to help each other get up the rope, which was not. The oozes were interesting,
I was a little curious as to what would happen if I tried to drink one. They smelled like alchohol. Probably a bad idea. I’ll ask Jubilost about it later. I set Irina to scouting around, which in her case also includes taking out targets of opportunity. She’s flexable like that. It turns out that Troggles smell worse than I remembered, although my previous experience was running the heck away with a baby griffin sleeping in my shirt. The Trolls are a bit odd. For one thing, they all smell awfull. For another they’re acting more creatively than I remember, although that was again experience gained while running away. Aside from the smell my biggest issue is that I can’t feed on them. Plus, they smell awfull, I bet they taste worse.
I am unamused with this. Nana’s at the top of the dammed tower and occasionally flying down to shoot spells in through the windows. All this combined with the big-assed weather spell she cast when our army got here is going to be a problem. I, on the other hand, am inside the “secret” portion of the tower at the moment. I is in ur tower, killin ur doodz. Well, helping, anyway.
Irina got killed. Disincorperated is probably the correct word for it. I do not care. I was willing to accept a peacefull option. Now, everybody dies.
It’s a stupid idea, but I’m following Sayd up to the roof. He can fly, I have to climb. Sodding towers. There’s at least a troll up there. Nope, intelligent zombie cyclopse. Let’s stop and think about how messed up that is, shall we? Yep, pretty messed up. And no shadows to hide in. I’m going to hide in the big ball of butterflies. Huh, turns out it can still see me. I managed to avoid getting pushed off the roof. It probably looked tricky, but spinning around on a pole is only tricky if you’re upside down when you do it. More running, jumping, climbing, and I managed to move about 10 feet from where I started. The problem with big zombies is there is a lot to stab before you hit something that can actually hurt them. Kaede is up here. Screw this noise, I’ma go pick on something my own size. Like a troll. People consider rapiers to be girly weapons for some reason. Probably has something to do with the french. French weapons for sale: never used, dropped once. In reality it’s a long pointy bit of metal with a big basket at the back end to protect your hand and counterbalance the BIG HEAVY POINTY PIECE OF METAL. Which meant that when I stabbed Staldis in the back of the head two things happened: he died very suddenly, and the pointy end popped out the front of his face. As I was struggling with pulling the pointy bit out of the shmuck the tablet that whatever the hells the Elves thought we gave a rat’s ass about started floating away. I’m all for invisibility spells, as long as I’m the one using them. Nana Applebum was escaping while i was farting around. Which, oddly enough, was also happening to Annika. Which reminds me, if I come across the sad-sack that tried to duel her I should remove something he’s going to miss. I missed catching up with the hag, which displeases me greatly. I was planning on having her for dinner. It’s only cannibalism if they’re the same species as me, and I’ve never met another Dhampir. I don’t know what the deal with the tablets is, nor do I care at the moment. I want the bugbears to surrender, and a bubblebath.