To the esteemed Lady Chelsee Wintermere-Byrne, lately of Kyonin,
Darling halfling, I devoured the first volume of your latest offering, The Hellbrides of Tantalus, in a single rapt sitting, as a man starved. What wonders you weave! That Darkmyr and Lucian could be brothers!? The tragedy is palpable. My concern at who Arielle will choose has me near breathless. I will begin the next volume forthwith. How a doughy faced halfing woman of middle years, bespectacled and frowning, bereft of the lineage she was married and widowed into—or so I imagine you, as we have never met, toiling over your manuscripts in some manner of tree-hut in the woods—should conjure such realistic and passionate erotic scenes is a grand enigma to me, one of life’s wonderful little quirks. Should I ever have the chance to meet you I should be delighted to suck each of your toes in turn and lavish upon you such a spectacle of indecency and lust as even your own vivid imagination might hardly create. Until such time I remain,
Your greatest fan,
Restov, 24 Calistril 4710
My sweet Ursula,
Your letter found me in quite a thrilling scenario. Before I recount it, let me express how warmly touched I am that you and your husband still write me after so many years apart. As you know it was hardly the first time I have knocked on a stranger’s door whilst soaked to the bone in rain in the pitch of night, but it was certainly the first time that I was fed my free dinner from a trough with a collar round my neck. Such fun we had!
I am now in Restov, Brevoy, a charming little city of chaos, though I leave on the morrow as part of an Expedition of Exploration with five other souls to scour the Good Earth of Evil Doers. It is a job and a purse, but at least has already got me a dinner date with Jamandi Aldori, a prominent and unabashedly gorgeous lord of the city. If you ever come to Restov, you must visit the bathhouse on Howling Road, which includes a tavern and eatery. I have spent the better part of two weeks in there ravishing such comely creatures as even Pitax scant offered, and am the better beast for it.
I was in something of a fight earlier and was quite well stabbed by some slab faced varlet, though I expect the wound to heal. I needn’t frighten you with the riveting details, suffice to say that I have not lost a step. I was delighted to hear that your daughter will be joining the priesthood. I will be sure to congratulate her personally when I am next in Riddleport.
To answer your question about N: I do not pray to her with words, but with my life seek to weave a tapestry of such beautiful ruin that, passing from this world to the next, she might see it and smile.
Your faithful hound (woof!),